Last week, Edge got his ass handed to him by Orton to kick start their feud and garner more interest in RAW than we’ve seen in quite some time. Let’s see if they could carry that over to continuous entertaining tv!
If y’all missed church this past Sunday, worry not, because Crossfit Jesus is here to start RAW with his disciples. He’s added a leather jacket with a fur trim to his gear, and has stunted his delivery just slightly, so I gotta give him some credit for that. He talks about making difficult decisions. He is here to speak our truths and make our tough decisions for us. He is here to lead us into the future.
Seth says forgiveness is a virtue, but his patience is growing thin. Can something grow thin? They are hear to preach a message of oneness, unity, and progression, and they are not leaving this ring until that message is heard.
Our Lord and Savior Kevin Christ comes out to the top of the ramp. Seth tells him to consider this warning to not get in over his head.
Owens tells Seth that he sounds stupid, and now he looks stupid, and owens says he doesn’t talk, he keeps fighting. Seth is wrong, because Owens is not alone.
Owens chops his team to assure that they can stand upright. Owens then ushers them to the ring to attack.
Murphy and The AOP head out of the ring to meet them at the bottom of the ramp. Rollins watches on in the ring. We get a three on three until…
SAMOA JOE ENTERS THE RING FROM BEHIND!!! He gets The Clutch on Rollins!!!! AOP attacks! Everyone else enters the ring. STUNNER to Murphy!
Then there is an eight-man tag. Awww that’s dumb; that means they would know that Joe was there. Small but kinda silly.
Match 1: RAW Women’s Championship Match Asuka (w/ Kairi Sane) vs Becky Lynch We circle the ring, then lockup hard. Go behind with Becky. Asuka works the hand, then twists the arm, Becky works it in reverse, side steps, but asuka spins into the hold, then out, and locks the wrist up. Becky with a side headlock attempt, but Asuka gets one of her own. She wrenches it as becky backs her into the ropes. They come back, but Asuka has it locked in hard, and drops to a knee. Becky backs her into the ropes again, breaks the hold, and Asuka hits a shouler tackle. Becky works the arm, Asuka turns into it and hits some rights then locks in a headlock. Asuka tries to pin, but Becky gets her own side headlock, and flexes to show arrogance. Asuka is up and hits some rights. Rope work and this time Becky finishes with a shoulder tackle. Becky flexes hard, so Asuka shoves her. Becky grabs the leg off a kick, and dragon screws Asuka down. Becky hops over yhe apron, shofees Asuka. Kairi distracts, and Asuka hits a booty bump, sending Becky flying off the apron.
We are back, and both women are in the ring. Hip attack from Asuka again. Becky with a running clothesline. Another. She attacks for a third, kicks Asuka in the stomach, flies with a battering ram, covers for 1..2..NO!!! We get a surprise rollup from Asuak for 1..2..NO!!! Becky oes for a kick, can’t get it, Asuka goes for a German, Becky with a arm grab, trying for the Disarmer. Asuka escapes, Becky hits the ropes. Knee to the face to Becky!!! Asuka hooks the leg standing, ifts up and drops Becky on her coccyx. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Asuka rushes Becky, but Becky holds the ropes and Asuka goes flying to the outside. Becky flies off the apron. Asuka moves. Becky hits Kairi. Asuka from behind, kicks Becky’s face off. Becky grabs her face and puts it back on as Asuka grabs her to send her back in the ring. Asuka hops up on the apron and into the ring. Becky stands in the corner. Asukaa rushes into a boot to the face. Becky to the 2nd rope, but Asuka with a Codebreaker! Pin for 1..2…NO!!!! Both girls up. Asuka sends Becky into the post. Becky on the apron. Asuka goes for t he hip attack again, but Becky side steps, then locks on the Disarmer ON THE ROPES!!! She drags Asuka to the apron, locks the head, goes for a suplex, but Asuka escapes. Becky kicks, Asuka grabs her leg and swings it into the ring, then attacks the back. Asuka locks the head, Becky floats over. Falling Reverse DDT on the apron!
Asuka climbs the corner as we return from break. She is trying to superplex Becky, and Superplex The Man, she does! Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Asuka is pissed. She sits Becky up. Shining Wizard! Cover again for 1..2..NO!!! Asuka with an arm bar immediately!!! Becky turns it into a pin for 1..2.NO!!! Asuka won’t release the hold, though. She turns to the side. Becky turns, lifts with all her might, and drops Asuka hard on her back! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Asuka kicks out! Becky in the corner as Asuka lays flat. She heads to the top rope, standing on the 2nd. She goes for a leg drop, but Asuka moves to the side and locks the Asuka Lock in like ASAP!!! SIIIIICK! She rolls Becky into the center and releases the hold a bit. Asuka kicks the ropes away, but Becky drops Asuka, and Asuka turns it into a pin for 1..2..NO!! Reversal! 1…2..NO!!!!
Becky with a rollup for 1…..2..NO!!! Another cover from Asuka for 1..2…NO!!! ROCK BOTTOM from BECKY!! 1..2…3!!!
SHAYNA!!! She attacks from behind! She mounts Becky and gives her some hard lefts and rights She turns Becky around. Shayna with a clutch from behind! She tosses Becky aside like nothing and removes her mouthguard, then moves Becky’s hair to the side to expose her neck.
SHAYNA BITES THE SHIT OUT OF BECKY!!! Shayna steps back with blood dripping from her mouth! Hahaha. Over the top, yet I like it.
We are back live here on Monday Night Raw, and I just typed word for word what Tom Phillips said, making me feel icky and programmed.
Dawkins and Ford wanna talk. They say Mojo is frontin. He’s been talking about the 24/7 title and cowardice, but he ain’t bout that life. Mojo is only known for riding Gronk’s coattails. Ford says it’s Mania season, and they’re ready and, also, they want the smoke.
Match 2: The Street Profits vs The XFL Dropkick from Angelo immediately, and a cover for 1. Mojo with a hard knee. He slams him down hard then tags in his partner. Angelo with a hard right, as Ford runs around crazily, then gets tagged in.
Mojo is very upset. You can tell, cuz he puts his arms on his head. Mojo lifts Moss up, possibly to berate him, but Moss rolls Mojo up for the 1..2..3 and the 24/7 title.
Beckstage, Becky is still being walked to the ambulance by the hottest EMT known to man. She willingly walks into the back of the ambulance, then shoves my beloved and grabs the driver of the ambulance. She pulls him out and drives off. Lol. Ok…
Aww, yay, they didn’t get rid of MVP outright. He’s here to do the lounge! He quotes Timbaland and TI and name drops Roddy Ricch, so at least he’s current! He then says he’s better than us, but doesn’t mention last week, before he introduces his guest, Drew McIntyre.
Drew pushes the ropes down and enters the ring to shake the hand of MVP and smiles. He grabs the mic and points at the sign. MVP is proud of Drew. He wants Drew to focus on the prize. What he doesn’t want Drew to do is to worry about the Non-VIP people and what they are saying behind his back.
Drew says there is always a catch with MVP. MVP says he’s sincere. He isn’t saying anything, but some people are saying that with all of his tools and attributes, Drew isn’t “ready” to be WWE Champ just yet.
Drew wonders if it was “we” that won the Royal Rumble. MVP says no, “we” did not, but Drew’s best days are ahead of him, while MVP’s in-ring career is behind him. Drew needs to achieve his dream, and doesn’t need to be distracted and needs an experienced vet to guide him – s0meone like MVP.
Drew asks the crowd, they say no, and Drew points out the catch. MVP wants to be his business manager, maybe his advocate. Maybe MVP could be his Paul Heyman. MVP says he’s better looking, but yes.
Drew says the difference between Brock and he, is that Drew doesn’t need an external brain thinking or talking for him or a business partner kissing his ass.
MVP says he has never been an ass-kisser, but he is an ass-kicker. Drew looks to leave, but MVP pulls him back and says Drew nneeds him. Drew headbutts MVP and removes his jacket and shirt for some cheers. He hits the corner, counts it down, CLAYMORE to MVP!
Angel just watched himself be a man’s man, and says no other man has measured up, but also – also – he’s a lady’s man, as well. No woman in the world can resist him.
Oh, I should mention that Cedric Alexander is in the ring, and currently chilling on the top rope, watching this telenovela happen in real time.
Match 3: Angel Garza vs Cedric Alexander Zelina distracts, and Angel kicks Cedric out of his way, then locks the hands behind Cedric, crossing them across Cedric’s neck. Cedric reverses, Angel headbutts his chin, sends edric onto the apron. Cedric kicks him away, then swings through the ropes and head scissors Garza away. Alexander with a flurry then a hard forearm in the corner. Dropkick to the back of the head. Kip up and Cedric is all smiles. He hits the ropes, slides, but Angel catches him, swings him, and drops him face first onto the mat. Garza peels back the padding, thinks twice, and grabs Cedric. Cedric sends him into the steps. Edric sends him into the barricade, then into the ring. Cedric to the top rope. He springboards, flies, and eats a dropkick!
Winner: Angel Garza Good ol dependable CedricMatch Quality: **Personal Enjoyment: ***Total Rating: **1/2
In comes Sarah Logan who has issues with Rhea coming to RAW thinking she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Logan asks her who she thinks she is, and Rhea says she is Rhea Ripley, “Who are you?” haha
Backstage, Lana and Lashley are..existing, thereby pissing me off. Lashley cuts a promo better than Lana, and it’s still horrible.
Logan is here to defend her turf by any means necessary, and calls out Rhea. Promos like this only work with a successful result, not a squash. And yet…here comes the squash!
Match 4: Rhea Ripley vs Sarah Logan Rhea kicks Logan in the face, then hits a short clothesline. Another one, and we interrupt the match to watch Charlotte point. It’s riveting. Rhea hits a dropkick. Rhea grabs the head of Logan, Pumphandle, and Riptide is hit. 1..2…3!
Rhea wants her answer. Charlotte says maybe this is how The Queen operates. Rhea calls her a royal pain in her…down under.
Charlotte has a question of her own; after Rhea’s title match this Sunday, how do we even know she will still be the NXT Champion?
Charley wants to actually talk to Ricochet. Ric says he’s never backed down before and won’t do it now, and being Champion is a dream he’s had for 17 years. He’s faced people like Bobby before. Nobody is going to stop him from walking, limping, or crawling into Super Showdown.
Match 5: Bobby Lashley vs Ricochet Ricochet attacks with speed as commentary pimps Sonic the Hedgehog. Lashley stops a kick out the corner and hits a hard clothesline. A forearm and a whip sends Ric into the corner, where he flies over Lashley, then under, then gets hit with a shoulder tackle.
We return to Lana with the clap. I said what I said. Lashley sends Ricochet to the steps, but he hops up to them, and moonsaults onto Lashley! Back in the ring, Lashley elbows the shit out of Ricochet then tosses him into the ringpost. On the outside, Lashley squashes Ricochet’s face with his boot. He then sends him into the post hard with a whip. Lashley sends him back into the ring and hits a suplex then a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Lashley with some knees to Ricochet’s chest. Ric runs up Lashley, Enziguri sends Lashley to the corner. Ricohet kicks Lashley away again, after he grabs his leg. Ricochet stands and kicks, but Lashley holds the leg, a kick to the head sends Lashley reeling. Dropkick to Lashley into the corner. Head to the gut, springboard crossbody! Riccohet with a standing shooting star! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Ricochet gets a firemans but Lashley falls off with ease. Kick from Ricochet. Back body drop from Lashley. Lashley whips, Spinebuster! Cover for 1…2…NO!!! We head to the corner,
Lashley goes for a suplex off the corner, but Ricochet lands on his feet! Sick. Running dropkick to the corner. Another to the corner. Lashley is down! Ricochet with the 630! Pin for 1..2…3!!!
Orton makes his way out, hops on the apron, and does the slow burn he did last week before entering the ring. He grabs a mic.
Matt Hardy Version 220.127.116.110 is here to defend his TLC brethren. He tells Orton to come on, just like everyone else, he wants to know why he did it.
Hardy says it’s no secret that he and Edge have history, eliciting a Lita chant. There was one point in time where no one hated Edge more than Hardy, but before all that, they were best friends. He, Edge, Christian, Jeff. For years, they travelled together. They’d stay in one room just to save a few bucks. They were 4 young, passionate, driven kids who just wanted to live out their dreams of being WWE dudes. No Mercy 99, they revolutionized the ladder match. TLC chant. They invented the TLC match. They stole the show on more than one occasion .They did that shit together, and that means something. So when he saw that Edge was forced to retire, any hate or disdain he had was gone. Matt can’t imagine if all of this was taken away from him before he was ready. After Edge had retired, and they were coo, Edge would ask him often, “What if…” Nine years later, after retirement, Edge was able to come and answer that, and Orton took that away. Matt needs to know, what in the hell is wtong with him.
Orton steps up, looks to answer, but goes for an RKO instead, only or matt to shove Orton, throw the mic at him, and corner him with some rights! Orton is able to escape, hit an RKO, and that was sweet! Love that mic throw! Orton heads to the outside and grabs some chairs, then comes in and squashes matt’s head like a good heel.
Sarah is backstage with her, and Ruby says that her and Liv were best friends, but BFs know everything about each other, right? She knows the real Liv. Liv is a puppy dog. She can take the pink out, change her clothes, and try to sell the world this fake image, but Ruby knows her. Liv will always be a follower, and she had to babysit. She came back to put Liv in her place – to show her who she will always be. She strikes when Ruby says so.
Becky must have forgotten something, because she comes back in her stolen ambulance, leaves the sirens on, and walks back into the arena.
Becky is back in the ring and says she took some drugs for the pain, and now she’s ready to smash her face in. Shayna wants to sink her little rat’s teeth into her flesh to get her attention? Well, Shayna baby, mission accomplished. She has ran through them all, but Shayna…she doesn’t give a damn about settling anything with her .She will break her down week by week, and Shayna better find her before Becky finds her.
Before the next match, Seth wants to read from the Book of Helmsley, but the faces attack and we get a brawl.
Match 7: Seth Rollins, Buddy Murphy, and The AOP vs Kevin Owens, Samoa Joe, and The Viking Raiders We start with Joe and Murphy. Ok, I start with Joe and Murphy. He hits a pele kick in the corner then tags Owens in, who drops Murphy in the corner and tells the heels to suck it. Tag to Ibar, who comes in and hits a body slam, but not before getting tagged by Erik. Erik in, and he body slams Ibar onto Murphy. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Had to pee. Back in time to see Seth with a cravat to Erik from behind. Tag to Murphy, who comes in to kick the side of Erik’s face. He does the boot scrape, and Erik hits him with a right, then shoves all heels off the apron. He hits Erik, whipped to the corner, rolls through and tags in Ibar, who comes in with a tackle. Side slam. Hits the roeps. Crossbody to Murphy. Ibar knocks both AOP off the apron. He sends murphy to the buckle, Murphy blocks, stomps the foot, then eats a clothesline after a cartwheel.
We return from break and Murphy is standing alone in the ring, distracting the ref long enough for Seth to give Owens a right hand. Murphy leaves the ring, and Owens hits him with a fallaway slam. Owens gets into the ring as Seth helps Murphy up, rolling hi into the ring. Tag from Akam, and Owens doesn’t get a tag. Elbow drop to Owens. He drags owens to the heel cornrer and tags in Razar. Elbow and a cover for 1..2..NO! Razar cinches the head, twisting it a bit. Seth stands proud on the apron as Akam gets slapped. Owens with some hard rights. Akam with a takedown, and some hammerfists. Tag to Murphy, who drives a knee to the back. Facelock from behind. Owens turns into the hold, fighting out with a right hand. Another. Knee from Murphy. Whip to the ropes, Owens with ak ick to the fce. He socks Rollins off the apron. Kick to Murphy. DDT to Murphy. Tag to Joe. He fights Rollins into the corner, eats a boot, but catches Rollins off the top with an Inverted Atomic Drop. Kick. Senton to Seth. Seth rolls to the outside. Joe hits the ropes. AOP on the apron to stop the suicide dive. But The Viking Raiders are in to knock them off. All three men hits the ropes. TRIPLE SUICIDE DIVES and someonwhere off in the distance, one could hear a loud MAMMA MIA!
Rollins and Joe in the ring. Seth kicks, but Joe locks in the clutch. Jawbreaker by Rollins, but Joe escapes, Uranage! Pin for 1..2..NO!! Murhpy in to stop it. Owens with a superkick .Akam sends Owens to the outside. Erik with a t-bone, but Razar in with a clothesline. He runs into a crotch of IBar, as he sits on the check of Razar. In come Murphy who sends Ibar out! Owens to the top rope! He hits a cannonball onto everyone on the outside!
In the ring, Rollnis goes for a stomp. Murphy tags. Joe with The Clutch. Murphy flies off the top rope! The Clutch to Murphy!!!
Murphy taps! The ref is too busy stopping The AOP from entering! Rollins with The Stomp!!! Pin for 1..2…3!!!
Winners: Seth Rollins, Buddy Murphy, and The AOP Well, that was fun. Match Quality: ***1/2Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2Total Rating: ***1/2
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